Lost in Poetic Dreamscape

It’s never too late to support a band I slept on for years. I didn't get attached to the early albums, but now their words speak to the deepest recesses within me. Now, their songs take my flaccid hands and pull me into a dance. Now, I shut my eyes, drown in resplendent melodies, senses intensified… This is the power of art and creativity. This is what can be formed when artists are allowed to make a masterpiece instead of a commercialized product.

I've known Paramore since high school. My classmates would go cray-cray over Hayley Williams, the stunning vocalist known for her edginess, iconic neon-colored locks and thick eyeliner. I was mesmerized, but rock wasn't my thing back then. While my classmates lived in black and checkered wardrobe, side bangs and tons of eyeliner, I was sandwiched between the not-so-popular JPop and the ever-so-odd Korean popular culture. HAHAHA. On some occasions, I'd tag along and watch live bands with friends but didn't get the hair-raising, beer-can-smashing, head-banging "high" of rock and roll. To me, it was ridiculous! I was the bored bystander in a sea of hardcore rock listeners. I felt so out of place. I remember being with fan girls and boys in the VIP area of a local rock festival organized by my school and to my horror, locked eyes with the band's guitarist. I swear I did the sassiest eye roll I could ever muster. I was spiritless, anxiety on spike and physically uncomfortable in the sweaty mob I’m trapped in. Apart from the screaming, the flailing and the drunks, the smoke and strobe lights were drowning me almost to a state of claustrophobia. If it wasn’t for my friends, I wouldn’t have gone inside the mosh pit and suffer blasts reverberating through my chest cavity. Yeah, that’s the shitty 15/16-year old ME mentality! I can only look back and cringe at my distaste! I can never really dismiss the shame evoked by that particular memory. I’m an asshole for bitching at the guitarist who'd done nothing but create music in swirls of magnetic timbres and frequencies. It’s never okay to malign and make fun of a band, their hard work, more so their passion for what they do. I totally made a fool out of myself and didn’t deserve to be there!

Kpop has always been the center of my musical universe. I also love rhythm and blues, soul, hiphop, country, jazz, but never rock music and its sub genres. I associated rock stars with substance abuse, groupies and drunken afterglow of unrestricted sex. They just convey images of a toxic lifestyle that allows access to all chemical substances and legions of girls to “use and throw”. I couldn’t really wrap my head around the idea of supporting that kind of music scene, until I met Park Chanyeol. He is the musically-gifted member of EXO and was in a band called Heavy Noise and Siren during his middle and high school years. His favorite rock bands are Muse, Green Day, Nirvana, X-Japan and Coldplay. Chanyeol made it easy for me to digest rock music and appreciate guitar-slinging nerds. Now, I listen to Coldplay and Paramore and embrace the way their music grabs me by the hair and doesn’t let go until it’s done with me. I also understand the rock-star-life better now. They go on tour, play late nights for weeks and travel endless hours on the road. As a result, most of them rely on pills to stay awake. Some musicians can’t get-in-the-zone without being high, which means drugs allow their creativity to flow faster and easier. They work their asses off only to be judged by the entire world. They're human but they end up giving their life to the public which is an effin’ huge price to pay. They know criticism goes along with the job, but not many of them can handle that type of pressure. Rock and roll is a downward spiral overflowing with potential pitfalls that can burn someone out. Luckily, some rock stars know how to work their way around it and I really hope they do. Rock, still isn’t my top genre though. But I’ve grown to love other bands and now I’m writing about it.

Paramore's 2017 album "After Laughter" covers topics such as social anxiety, depression and the pressures of fitting in. I'm honestly living for the album’s lyrical dissonance - when sad/dark thoughts are disguised by catchy/uplifting beats. On the surface it's like jamming to your regular cheery bop tracks but the moment you pay attention to the lyrics, the more you are pulled into a sad story. My obsession took a full swing when I freakin' went through a Paramore phase trying to understand the backstory of their thought-provoking songs. I listened to interviews, read articles, stalked their social media and fan accounts, and basically dived/dove into their psyche. I feel like the more awareness I have to an artist's beliefs, feelings, experiences and intentions, the more I can empathize and truly understand what they are going through. In the case of Paramore, with Jeremy leaving the band and the divorce, Hayley went through some serious depression and mental illness. Taylor, the band's lead guitarist, helped Hayley get through with her grief, and is basically the reason why Paramore had survived two major splits. I have so much respect for Taylor and I adore him! He essentially kept the band together and is the main force behind the maturation of Paramore. I also applaud Hayley for taking the first big step of accepting that she was mentally unwell because jeez depression is an illness, not a lifestyle choice and definitely not an annoying habit. Depressed people believe they need to keep their issues bottled up even if it becomes debilitating or all-consuming for fear of being labeled “weak” or “nutcase” (insert all inaccurate stereotypes). Unfortunately, the stigma surrounding mental health is still common. Society’s ignorance often influences the way these people feel about themselves and that can be invalidating and painful. No one, as in no one, should ever face crisis, distress and despair alone. It’s okay not to be okay.

HAYLEY: Life is still hard. It didn't become a breeze overnight or anything and it's been years and it's still not a breeze, but it's so rich and now that I'm taking account of all these feelings and I'm feeling all of them, there's this beautiful rainbow versus just the deep end. The rawness of her personal excavation resonates with my core as I delve deeper into my own maturity and the highs and lows of life. After Laughter reminds me to keep on building emotional self-care into my routine because quarter-life crisis is real and navigating to any life transition is tricky. Life is hard yes, but definitely beautiful! It’s just amazing how the band members are pretty much aware of mental health issues now, and use their voice and influence to spread the importance of MH.

One of my favorite songs from After Laughter is Rose-Colored Boy: There is no shame in sadness and depression. PARAMORE: Rose-Colored Boy is a song about feeling pressured to look at the world with blind optimism when you actually feel very hopeless about the world and your part in it. There is so much social pressure to be (or appear to be) “happy” that we can actually feel shame when we aren’t. Adding shame to sadness is a pretty toxic cocktail. It’s hard enough to deal with sadness, depression, or any type of anxiety without the added societal expectations. It’s important and more healing to meet people where they’re at - empathy - than to try and paint everything rosy.

On May 8, 2020, Hayley Williams released her solo album Petals for Armor produced by Taylor York. HAYLEY: I needed these songs to help me get to a place where I could name my shame, take inventory of emotional scars, true friends, awful coping mechanisms, and discover what I desire for my life. The latest single, Dead Horse, offers strength back to a younger, weaker version of myself. I feel like all of this needed to be said in order to embody the kind of woman I hope to be.

Hayley Williams Breaks Down Every Song on Her Deeply Personal Solo Album, Petals for Armor:

https://pitchfork.com/features/song-by-song/hayley-williams-petals-for-armor-interview/

My super favorite song from Petals for Armor is the last track called Crystal Clear. This song is special to me and meaningful to diehard fans who have been there for Paramore and Hayley since 2004. I am in awe with her journey towards self-discovery and clarity. HAYLEY: Falling in love. Emphasis on the falling - because despite my fear, my toughness, or any resistance to vulnerability, I couldn’t help falling in love.

It warms my heart to see Hayley genuinely happy, healthy and in love. I can speak for most people, yes, it takes a great deal of courage to fall back into the pit you just dug yourself out of. But that's the beauty of falling in love and the PAIN that comes with it - IT demands to be felt. That's the only way to deal with feelings, to feel them. Humans, we are wired to run away, shut the rest, lash out in anger or spew biting words from the ego. That's okay! We are entitled to rage or grieve, but along with that goes acceptance and healing. After all, love isn’t something we are naturally born to understand and be able to flawlessly put into practice. We slowly learn and over time we build up the capacity to think that even when things go wrong, they are survivable. And when you fall in love for the second or third, it is still wonderful and even scarier because you know what's really at risk. But fear is good! Fear is a survival instinct and it's normal to harbor defenses that we believe on some level will protect us from getting hurt. However, it is important to note that in this moment and with every moment we face, we have the ability to choose love or fear. Unfortunately, unhealthy fear can be paralyzing; and every time we choose fear over love, we push ourselves further away from one of the most profound forces of nature - Love. Love is simple and intricate and so much bigger than us. It is the centerpiece of humanity and lies at the core of the body. Love is the beating heart of life itself and it is worth it... no matter what the odds. Gosh, guys HAHAHA I am not an expert when it comes to love (heck NBSB) but that’s my take on it - buy it or leave it. I am only rejoicing for Hayley and celebrating her triumphs because hey, I’m a fan now. 😃

And just like any other Paramore fans out there, I have my own speculations. (1) She’s in love with Taylor - the guitarist but most importantly the best friend, and (2) they are dating. I have receipts to back up the theory, but I respect Hayley enough to draw a line. She’s giving bits and pieces for fans. If you listen to her album (Taken, Sudden Desire, Crystal Clear) and watch the music videos under PFA, you’ll know. HAYLEY: My stubborn heart softened up to let out rotted feelings and other feelings grew. I even fell deeply in love, in spite of the fear that love is hopeless. Funny thing is, Paramore is an alternate spelling of “paramour” meaning “secret lover” and Hayley and Taylor have not yet disclosed their skeleton-in-the-cupboard relationship. How awesome is that! I mean dude, I’d fall for Taylor too. Listen to the lyrics, Taylor or not, whoever is making her feel hopeful and alive deserves praise.

Hayley: T - a true confidante full and overflowing with melody and tone and syncopation which let’s me see the whole world in bursts of color and texture, even on the darkest days. I can’t even express the feels I have for Taylor. I see why Hayley is always vocal about the things he did for her and the band. Imagine being swallowed by a black hole and then someone made it his life-goal to battle against gravity, for you. That is so relatable on so many levels. I know how powerful and life-changing a great friendship is. Because obviously, most of us like trouble-free, comfortable and familiar things. Hence, it’s so easy to withdraw and throw one’s hands in defeat when things become tough and unbearable. Taylor was something else! He was her light and courage in the depression tunnel and being able to pass that hurdle together, it allowed their relationship to mature and grow into something durable and profound. Although I’m only seeing this at my vantage point, I can’t help but love Taylor. My heart swells whenever I watch him perform. He is talented, humble, loyal and extraordinary in ways only Hayley knows. && I pray for their relationship to last in this lifetime and the next, be it friends or lovers. 💖